NOT YOU

Many years back when I met the man I am with today, I came with a baggages of past hurt. I was striving with the feeling of wether I was good enough. And from the beginning of my relationship and up to today I never stood my ground. When I first meet his relatives, he let them, just as he did himself walk all over me. I have cried so many times.

But the beginning was nothing compared to what was to come. While I in my naivety believed we would grow close in love and happiness, but I was wrong. The first few steps of not being treated with dignity and love was just testing the ground.

I still feel confused as I still does not want what happened to be the reality. I wish it had been different. I wish I had been loved. But me being the only one being blind to the reality, and lying to myself has had an devastating effect on me.

Denying the negativity thrown at me, I ate to numb and escape the reality and pain. And as I ate more and more I put on more and more weight. Which made me feel disgusted at myself, and made me hide away saying to myself they where right about me all along.

Me denying the way I was treated, as I so desperately wanted things to be good, wanted my boyfriend to love me like I loved him and be as serious about me as I was about him. And having the same strong love for me as I had for him. Me denying that reality has given me layers and layers of fat with stuck emotions.

Now I need to find the strength to love myself enough to face reality. To loose the fat and the emotions that got stuck in my body cause I didn´t face reality but lied to myself.

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