Many years back when I met the man I am with today, I came with a baggages of past hurt. I was striving with the feeling of wether I was good enough. And from the beginning of my relationship and up to today I never stood my ground. When I first meet his relatives, he let them, just as he did himself walk all over me. I have cried so many times.

But the beginning was nothing compared to what was to come. While I in my naivety believed we would grow close in love and happiness, but I was wrong. The first few steps of not being treated with dignity and love was just testing the ground.

I still feel confused as I still does not want what happened to be the reality. I wish it had been different. I wish I had been loved. But me being the only one being blind to the reality, and lying to myself has had an devastating effect on me.

Denying the negativity thrown at me, I ate to numb and escape the reality and pain. And as I ate more and more I put on more and more weight. Which made me feel disgusted at myself, and made me hide away saying to myself they where right about me all along.

Me denying the way I was treated, as I so desperately wanted things to be good, wanted my boyfriend to love me like I loved him and be as serious about me as I was about him. And having the same strong love for me as I had for him. Me denying that reality has given me layers and layers of fat with stuck emotions.

Now I need to find the strength to love myself enough to face reality. To loose the fat and the emotions that got stuck in my body cause I didn´t face reality but lied to myself.


Bye Love

It was night time and time for you to go, we held hands as we walked towards Eros, the statue of Love.

The lights that light up the street was so beautiful. Piccadilly was busy with people and traffic. It felt so good to hold your hands. Never did I think it would be the last time you hold my hands. And you kiss was so soft and felt so good.

When you left for the tube it was bye for the happiness of our Love.



Golden Square

My best date ever was in Golden Square, I was with the man of my dream. It was summer and we where laying in the grass talking and kissing.

This was the first time in my life I have felt real love.

But circumstance it was not our time.

I know you said I hurt you deeply. But I would never hurt you. It was you who didn´t wanna give it the time to take things easy and to build our life together.

Do you still love me? Or think of me and smile?

Our time together was Gold.